Jan 06

Socialist (Networking) Realism

Hi there. Remember me?

laneaskim

You know, your Great Leader of Snark.

Although I haven’t been writing much lately, I’ve been expressing myself creatively via other means. To wit, I’m learning Photoshop (well, OK, GIMP 2.8). I’m also a bit of a smartass. Turns out my daughter shares my bizarre sense of humor.

This, of course, should come to the surprise of exactly no one.

Continue reading

Apr 02

Bits and Pieces

Despite it being absolutely gorgeous outside, I spent the better part of the day filling out hospital forms related to my head injury a couple months ago. Since there’s nothing even remotely amusing about that (like I could remember it anyway), I didn’t have a lot of time to think about what the hell I was going to write today.

But I got to turn on the A/C for the first time this year.

Despite that, I have a couple stories possibly developing for your reading enjoyment. I guess it’s time for one of those potpourri posts. You know, a little of everything but not a lot of anything. That makes sense, right? Good. Let’s get started.

Return of the Moose

For a while I genuinely thought I was done writing about him, but a couple days ago none other than Moose Factory Boy™ showed up in my Facebook mail. His message? “I’m sure that you will be receiving a text/call very soon.” Um, OK. I assume he’s talking about Myrtle, but with him you can never be entirely sure.

smokesignal

Could be something like this.

As of this writing I haven’t heard from Myrtle, or anyone else for that matter. Whether or not she gets back in contact is anyone’s guess. If she does, great. If not, oh well. Dating hasn’t been a real high priority lately.

What’s the 419?

Speaking of dating, I’ve had an ad in the Boise Craigslist personals for a couple weeks now. Now before you accuse me of contradicting my previous statement, bear in mind this ad mentions Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Bandido Nation, Svalbard, Aotearoa and Erik Estrada‘s teeth, among other things. Not exactly Cassanova-type material.

To their credit Craigslist recently reformulated their policies, implementing an anonymous reply function. This has cut down on the spammers and the scammers significantly. A few still get through, including our friend “Tracy Miller.”

“Tracy” contacted me and assured me “she” was real and wanted to meet. My reply was, “And I’m real. Did you find Erik Estrada’s teeth?”

TV Guide Estrada

Yeah, I’m milking that for all it’s worth.
Image credit: trainman74

The reply mentioned nothing about Estrada, but Tracy did tell me about how she was a fashion school student living with a friend and her grandmother. She talked about her friend getting married and how she wants to get married herself. She talked about her love for God and how much of a good Christian she was. There was a bunch of other drivel I didn’t bother reading.

Most importantly, she responded outside the Craigslist system, which allowed me to track the originating IP:

nigeriaIP

Peek-a-boo!

Of course, being the magnanimous guy I am, I replied:

Hey Tracy:

No kidding? I’m into religion too! For the past eight months I’ve served as a dark deacon with the First Boise Church of Satan, Reformed (Nunavut Synod). Just this past weekend we sacrificed some goats during a sunset ceremony up at Table Rock to culminate our annual “Cinco de Chivos” festival. We used to sacrifice children, but we were sued by the Most Antient Order of Tlahuizcalpantecuhtli for trademark infringement. And, well, long story short we don’t do that anymore.

I’m not photogenic either. Especially not after my recurring bouts with leprosy. But I don’t let it get me down. Even though I only have eight fingers now, I can still type at 60 words per minute!

By the way, since you’re a fashion student and all, I’m guessing you know quite a bit about fabric. Do you know how to get goat blood stains out of linen?

Writing that was a hell of a lot more fun than filling out hospital forms. I tell you what ….

Mar 02

A Strange Sobriquet

I’m a bit rushed this morning. My daughter is in town and we’re fired up to go to breakfast. However, I want to make sure to take care of my loyal readers before the day gets too crazy. You’re welcome.

As you’ve probably noticed by now, I refer to my daughter a lot here. Indeed, it’s getting to the point where constantly referring to her as “my daughter” is becoming cumbersome. For a variety of reasons I don’t want to refer to her by her real name on a silly-ass WordPress site. I also don’t want to refer to her by the nickname I gave her when she was a baby. The former for obvious reasons, and the latter because she doesn’t want that disclosed to the general public. It’s nothing bad, she’s just kind of sensitive about that. Consider it our personal shibboleth.

So, the time has come to update the glossary and bestow a pithy pseudonym for her. So being my adorable eight-year-old daughter, naturally she wants to be named after her favorite cartoon character:

drweird

What? You were expecting My Little Pony or something?

Now, since the whole point of this exercise is to agree on something less awkward than “my daughter,” replacing that with “Dr. Weird” really doesn’t accomplish the goal. Left with this quandary I was forced to get creative. With that I turned to my old friend Google Translate.

160px-1977_CPA_4774(Cutted)

Now with 30 percent less stagnation!

I ran the word “weird” through its various translations. The best one came from everyone’s favorite language isolate, Basque. This fits pretty well. I have a Basque uncle. Idaho in general has a pretty strong Basque influence. So the Basque word for “weird” it is.

Flag_of_the_Basque_Country.svg

NOTE: Not a Union Jack for the colorblind.

Oh yeah, according to Google Translate the Basque word for “weird” is “bitxi.” So from this point forward on SB she’s Bitxi. Hopefully that doesn’t have some horrific double meaning or something. If it does please let me know.

Anyway, bacon is a-calling. Agur oraingoz, y’all.