Feb 15

Friday Crap Roundup

When I’m not writing or herding cats, I spent a lot of time on Facebook. There I and a few of my nearly 700 friends often come across the strange, the stupid and the hilarious, in addition to long-debunked rumors and trite, misspelled memes.

lucy

I try to ignore these.

I wouldn’t dream of keeping this stuff to myself, thus the Friday Crap Roundup.

I’ll also respond to comments in this section, assuming I ever get any worth responding to. If you want to contribute or something, leave a comment or friend me on Facebook.

Right, now that the introductions are out of the way let’s move on to the snark.

Motel 6 Never Looked So Good

As fate would have it, the very first FCR item is literally about crap. For the better part of this week over 4,000 people have been stranded without restroom facilities as slowly they make their way to the promised land of Mobile, Alabama. But NASCAR isn’t in Talladega, which is what usually causes this phenomenon.

Nope, this time the culprit is the Carnival Triumph, operated by the same cruise ship company that used to be one of the primary causes of Kathie Lee Gifford exposure on American television. On Sunday morning a fire broke out in the engine room, knocking out propulsion and seriously damaging the sanitation facilities, among other things. For the next few days passengers and crew alike had to endure “urine and feces (streaming) in the halls and down walls.”

Carnival_Triumph_Half_Moon_Cay

But at least they didn’t have to endure the Black Eyed Peas.
Image credit: Scott L.

This not the first fall-down-go-boom incident involving Carnival Corporation ships in the recent past. In January 2012 the Costa Concordia ran aground off the Italian coast due to captain operator error. The result was 32 deaths and the complete loss of a $570 million ship.

No doubt to the great relief of all (pun possibly intended), the Triumph is now in port. Fortunately unlike the Costa Concordia incident there do not appear to be any deaths or serious injuries. While sincere best wishes are sent to all passengers and crew involved, my 12-year-old self can’t help but find this amusing.

beavis

Pictured: My 12-year-old self.
Image credit: Evan P. Cordes

New this fall on ABC, The Turd Boat! Love (and other things) are in the air. Follow the wacky misadventures of the fun-loving crew as they get themselves into all sorts of messes, both in the literal and figurative sense. Scheduled guest stars this season include Fred Durst, Lindsay Lohan, Rush Limbaugh, Honey Boo Boo and Nickelback! Also, don’t miss Raw Sewage Island immediately following.

Uh huh huh huh m huh huh huh m (ad infinitum).

Of Pot and Pepsi

My friend out Texas way, Michael Fortner, often posts some very interesting items. According to one of his latest posts, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is set to significantly loosen the city’s drug enforcement laws. Specifically, he plans to make possession of small amounts of marijuana about as serious an offense as a parking ticket.

While I’ve tried marijuana in the past, it’s been quite some time since I last inhaled. I never got into it and I doubt I ever will. Even so, I support its legalization. Bloomberg’s decision is a good one.

I have enough vices as it is.

Still, I can’t help but notice this is the same guy who wants to ban large sodas in his fair city. I’m not in favor of banning things in general, so needless to say I find all this rather confusing. It’s not like pot high in riboflavin or anything.

Track of the Week

The Carnival Triumph incident has had this song in my head for days:

Praise the Lard!

Feb 10

Myrtle and the Moose Factory

More stupid DNS tricks today. As noted yesterday I achieved the desired outcome with respect to the web site. However, I also momentarily lost the ability to receive e-mail. While that’s not necessarily a bad thing, as I’m no longer receiving Craigslist-inspired spam from the Russian mob, it does cramp my style a bit. So until further notice please e-mail me at boisealbatross at hotmail dot com.

UPDATE: The DNS beast is slayed. Lane at lanestartin dot org is back online. Rejoice.

Albatross!

On the subject of Craigslist, yesterday I decided to jettison my various dating site profiles. It’s not that I haven’t been successful in the past year or so; on a strictly prurient level I’ve been VERY successful. It’s because I’m sick of it all. Of course, the fact my recent posts referenced nontraditional date site topics such as the French Republican Calendar, Subhas Chandra Bose, technological singularity, the Air Bud series and the Guano Islands Act of 1856, should have probably alerted me to that earlier. So gone are my Craigslist ads, my profiles on OKCupid, POF and Match.com and any further mention of Hamburglar of Arimathea. I feel better now. Robble, robble.

Somewhat coincidentally last night I went on a date, my first since early December. Myrtle (not her real name) and I have been dating off and on for the last two years or so. As it usually does, everything went fine. Nothing terribly remarkable to report about it.

I choose not to use Myrtle’s real name for two reasons. One, she’s a nice kid and I don’t want to embarrass her in this cesspool of snark. Two, she unfortunately has a stalker ex-boyfriend who I’ll refer to here as Moose Factory Boy™ (neither his real name nor his point of origin). Well aware of my dating history, a couple months ago Moose Factory Boy™ took the unusual step of friending me on Facebook. I accepted, because what the hell, right?

Based on my admittedly limited observations, it wasn’t long before I came to the healthy conclusion that Moose Factory Boy™ is what both sociologists and paleontologists refer to as “fucking creepy.” How creepy? Consider this Facebook conversation I had with him:

MFB: Lane, when is the last time you got tested for AID/HIV?
Me: September I believe. It was quite recently.
MFB: Why did you get tested?
Me: Due diligence. I’ve been quite active in recent months.
MFB: Can I get a copy of those test results?
Me: Why would want those? Sounds like you’re a tad … obsessed.

Now while I don’t necessarily release personal medical records into the public domain, I’m also pretty upfront about such things. I suppose I could have sent them, but he’d probably want a stool sample too. The logistics of that aren’t worth the effort.

trashcan

You’d be surprised how hard it is to find these things anymore.

Moose Factory Boy™ hasn’t surfaced recently, but you never know when he’ll strike again. Fortunately he’s not local or even close to it, so the chances of him turning up in person are slim. Of course this is much more of a concern for Myrtle than it is for me, but all the same I’m still keeping a lookout. So yeah, while I don’t want to ignore the Muse, I don’t want to make this situation any weirder than it already is by using real names. I honestly don’t know what happens from here. Maybe this time it’ll work out. If not, oh well. I’m a fatalist like that.

Oh yeah, for the record Myrtle and I didn’t watch any of the Air Bud movies last night.