Jul 29

Arts, Crafts and Sleep

We’re back from Portland MUCH later than expected. I’m not even going to try to clean out the staff car until tomorrow.

dirtystaffcar

Meh.

However, I’m happy to report we had a spectacular time at the Rush concert.

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Jun 25

Running Low Across the Board

I don’t mean to sound sexist in any sense, but I’m increasingly of the opinion that I need a personal assistant more than a girlfriend.

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I promise it wouldn’t turn into an Andy Dick situation.
Image credit: David Shankbone

Why’s that? Well, the plain truth is I’m probably more of a bachelor than even bachelors should be. It’s getting that bad around here.

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Jun 06

Daddy Until Death

My daughter is truly a force of nature. Earlier today I went in for a much-needed eye exam at the local Costco. She spent the balance of the appointment grilling the optometrist and choosing out new glasses for me. I must admit she did a good job with the latter. They look good, and at $39 they were among the least expensive in stock.

Afterwards she proceeded to get a temporary tattoo in the image of “Costco Sally,” who looked like a cross between Raggedy Ann and the Cat in the Hat.

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We didn’t get it either.
Image credit: ~Nightshadow-Horus

As soon as it dries she proceeds to scratch the tattoo off. “Why get it if you were going to do that?” I asked.

“Destruction makes me feel better,” she replies, also noting she forgot she was allergic to temporary tattoos.

This was all BEFORE lunch, mind you.

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May 13

That Thermopolis Junket, Part 1

Another pointless vacation is in the books. I’m glad to say my trip to Wyoming inspired all sorts of great material for SB. I’ll be spending the better part of this week writing about it. So settle in, this entry is the first of one of those muliti-parter deals.

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Grab a snack or something.

As mentioned earlier, I have an an atrocious sleep schedule. This bit me in the ass in a big way on Friday. Late Thursday night I had everything packed and ready to go. I set an alarm to wake up at a reasonable time for what I expected to be an eight-hour trip to Riverton. However, a few minutes later I said to myself, “Nah. I don’t need an alarm. I’ll be OK.”

Next thing I know it’s 2:30 pm. Dammit!

After scrambling around the Command Center for a full half hour looking for my glasses (the cats hid them), I bolted out the door. Taking care of the standard going out of town tasks (i.e. gas, cash, Oberto Bacon Jerky, etc.) took another half hour. Oh yeah, I was looking at a late night.

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With only big buttes to keep me company.

The first half of the trip to Idaho Falls was uneventful. I’m very familiar with most of southern Idaho; directions to Idaho Falls weren’t necessary. However, I had never been east of Idaho Falls in this manner, so I printed out some Google directions beforehand. This is all fine and good, as the directions tell you what street to turn on. What they don’t tell you is what TOWN said street is located in. That would be helpful, Mr. Google, especially when in unfamiliar territory at twilight.

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As I found out later, the answer in this instance was “Swan Valley.”

Having missed the turn, and not realizing it until well over an hour later, I found myself traveling through areas not on the itinerary, such as Irwin, Palisades Dam and finally an unexpected entry into Wyoming at Alpine in Lincoln County, nearly 40 miles south of where I expected to be.

Palisades

Dammit.

As it turned out my detour cost me 30 minutes at most, but that was no comfort given I pulled into Jackson well after dark. Although it wasn’t THAT late, and Jackson is a fairly large city by Wyoming standards, I had difficulty finding an open store. This proved to be a recurring theme.

Immediately past Jackson is Grand Teton National Park. Being stupidly late I didn’t find this terribly interesting, especially considering I couldn’t see anything anyway. I found this even more annoying:

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The last thing I wanted to see.

Increasingly tired and in an unfamiliar area, by the time I exited Grand Teton I was ready for this drive to be freakin’ over. It was still well over 100 miles to Riverton, though. Driving across the Continental Divide at the snowbound-even-in-May Togwotee Pass is a challenge even in the best of conditions, but even worse when sleep deprived and attempting to pass a clearly confused motorist bearing Iowa license plates. Iowa not being known for its mountain passes, you know.

At 1:30 am I finally reached my destination, the extremely small and basic Riverton Motel 6. No one should be that glad to see a Motel 6. This day is OVER.

Continued tomorrow ….

Apr 21

My Vision Quest

Since eighth grade or so I’ve been seriously nearsighted. I spent some time in denial, but eventually the blackboard became utterly unreadable. Needing decent eyesight to read, you know, chemical symbols and shit, I finally broke down. For most of the time since I’ve worn both glasses and contacts.

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No, not at the same time, dummy.
Image credit: noniq

Today such everyday annoyances as travel, facial recognition and writing would be damn difficult if not impossible without the help of corrected vision. Unfortunately I haven’t been keeping up on my optic health very well. My glasses are at least eight years old and more scratched up than the purple chair in the Command Center (aka the Pyramid Brothers’ exercise apparatus of choice). I’ve also been known to turn those 30-day contacts into something more like 300-day contacts.

Yeah, yeah, I know I should get LASIK surgery. The problem is I’m morbidly squeamish about eye surgery. I’m also not entirely convinced my prescription is static, and LASIK is damn sure something I don’t want to do twice. As for health care coverage, I’m currently on the Michele Bachmann HMO.

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Which has an infinite deductible, but provides complimentary stale bread and generic grape juice.

It would be nice to pick either glasses or contacts and stick with them. Glasses no longer carry a social stigma for me as they did in junior high, but damn, there are times when they’re obnoxiously heavy on my face. This morning, for example. That prompts me to switch to contacts, but I can only keep them in for 12 hours at most before I have to rip those suckers out. I hear many of today’s contact lenses are designed to sleep in, but I’m dubious. I woke up wearing them after too many drunk college nights to buy that line.

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The poor bastard with the glass eye invariably found it in the aquarium the morning after.
Image credit: Greg Hume

Even so, SB comes to you in no small part because of my corrective vision apparatuses and the long line of experts past and present who created them, so you damn well better be thankful. I am. I guess ….

Apr 08

Resetting the Circadian Rhythm

For years my sleep schedule has been off. Every few months or so, it gets so FUBAR I find it difficult to function during daylight hours in any capacity. I’ve found the best remedy for this is to stay up all night and as much as possible the next day, completing tasks as I go. When I was in college I occasionally extended these “reset” sessions to 60 hours, but I can’t do that anymore.

Well, the time has come to make it happen. Again. My agenda before any thought of sleep is as follows:

– Take care of the daily SB post. If you’re reading this, check.
– Stay up until at least 11 am.
– Call the paramedics and answer their questions about my head injury.
– Pick up a prescription and get some stuff at the supermarket.

That’s it. It may not sound like much, and frankly it isn’t. But when you’re bipolar and on the down side like I am right now, it’s a busy day. I don’t want to let any of this go until Tuesday, y’all. If I let myself sleep until 5 pm again, it probably will.

With that in mind, here’s the timeline of the previous night … and the day. Yup, this entry is going to be even more stream of consciousness than usual.

12:52 am

Caffeine plays a major role in these resets. I have some Cherry Coke, but soda doesn’t really do the job. Nope, this calls for a hot caffeinated drink, and lots of it. My caffeine of choice for a situation like this is Peet’s Major Dickason’s Blend coffee.

Unfortunately, I’m out of Peet’s. The only coffee I have in the Command Center at the moment is a contemptuously cheap, obnoxiously bitter store brand “100% Colombian” blend I unwisely bought a couple years ago. Juan Valdez’s goat wouldn’t touch this stuff.

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And it’s seriously expired too. Score.

Well, I guess I’d better try tea. I know I have some of that around here somewhere ….

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Dammit.

Next attempt, an unopened box of Fred Meyer Tea Bags. The date stamp was very faint, too faint to photograph. I think it said … “BESTBY AUG2606.” Holy shit, I haven’t even been on my own that long. That’s bad even by my standards.

One more shot: the Red Rose Earl Grey.

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Qapla’!

A truly embarrassing trip to Jackson’s avoided, I press on.

2:27 am

On my third cup of Earl Grey, I began playing Civilization IV: Warlords, which is a great way to kill a few hours. With my Pandora app up, it’s time for some empire-building. Yes, I’m well aware there’s a Civilization V and has been for several years. I’m not much of a gamer.

7:24 am

Wow, that worked better than I expected. These Civ IV games eat up time, but rarely last five freakin’ hours. I won. Then again, I always play on the easiest setting because I’m a wanker like that. Ha ha.

Mao

Chairman Mao thought he could take me on. He was very sorely mistaken.

Time to change the Pandora station. The likes of Yes, Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd – as much as I dig them – are getting old. Some Erasure perhaps? Nah, too poppy for my current state of mind. Gabriel & Dresden it is.

7:39 am

Contact lenses aren’t meant to be worn for this long, at least as not as far as I’m concerned. Switched to glasses. Also changed underwear. I’m not incontinent or anything; it’s just those damn chafing waistbands ….

8:29 am

The paramedic office has been contacted. I’m glad that’s out of the way.

10:02 am

I’d say I’m about seven cups of tea into things at this point. I started coming down with a headache and a sore throat, so I took some ibuprofen to knock that out. It seems to be working. In the meantime I verified this site with Google, Bing, Pinterest and Alexa. I really don’t get the appeal of Pinterest, but whatever.

10:36 am

Went downstairs to check the mail and take out the trash. I figured this would be a good time to see if there was anything else expired in the kitchen. Turns out there was. To wit, cappuccino mix, microwave popcorn, rice, Pasta Roni, a loaf of bread, horseradish, three cans of soup, two bottles of pancake syrup, mini ravioli, peas, olive oil, garlic pepper, Italian herb seasoning … and a can of spicy Indian poppadum chips. Yeah, buddy.

Saltmill

Apparently salt doesn’t go bad. That’s probably just as well.

11:40 am

Just read Margaret Thatcher died. In recognition I’ve been watching old Spitting Image clips.

Why can’t they import this concept from the UK instead of crap like American Idol?

1:07 pm

The day’s stated agenda is complete. As an added bonus I changed the cat box and did the dishes. My supply of Peet’s is replenished, so I can dispense with the Jean-Luc Picard schtick.

Although it’s rather crisp outside, for the first time this year I saw noticeable leaves on the neighborhood deciduous trees. The HOA also had the sprinklers going. That was a nice way to end things for the day. I’m going to try to stay up a few more hours, but I daresay mission accomplished.

I just hope I don’t have to do this again for awhile.