Oct 02

The End of History?

Nah. The government shutdown isn’t THAT bad. Nevertheless, I’m in no condition for 800-1,000 words of historically-themed snark tonight. John Boehner may not need no stinkin’ health care, but I certainly do.

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To wit, this bottle of store brand cold medicine will soon be history.

That’s right, children’s cold and cough. I have an eight-year-old daughter, and she’ll tell you I’m a big kid anyway. The active ingredients are the same, so what the hell, right?

So I’m being a big, sniffling wuss and bagging out on History Wednesday this time around. Sorry ’bout that. Larry over at History’s Dumpster always posts good stuff. Go check him out. Assuming the pathogens don’t completely take over around here, I’ll be back with a proper History Wednesday post next week.

Apr 21

My Vision Quest

Since eighth grade or so I’ve been seriously nearsighted. I spent some time in denial, but eventually the blackboard became utterly unreadable. Needing decent eyesight to read, you know, chemical symbols and shit, I finally broke down. For most of the time since I’ve worn both glasses and contacts.

blurredpool

No, not at the same time, dummy.
Image credit: noniq

Today such everyday annoyances as travel, facial recognition and writing would be damn difficult if not impossible without the help of corrected vision. Unfortunately I haven’t been keeping up on my optic health very well. My glasses are at least eight years old and more scratched up than the purple chair in the Command Center (aka the Pyramid Brothers’ exercise apparatus of choice). I’ve also been known to turn those 30-day contacts into something more like 300-day contacts.

Yeah, yeah, I know I should get LASIK surgery. The problem is I’m morbidly squeamish about eye surgery. I’m also not entirely convinced my prescription is static, and LASIK is damn sure something I don’t want to do twice. As for health care coverage, I’m currently on the Michele Bachmann HMO.

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Which has an infinite deductible, but provides complimentary stale bread and generic grape juice.

It would be nice to pick either glasses or contacts and stick with them. Glasses no longer carry a social stigma for me as they did in junior high, but damn, there are times when they’re obnoxiously heavy on my face. This morning, for example. That prompts me to switch to contacts, but I can only keep them in for 12 hours at most before I have to rip those suckers out. I hear many of today’s contact lenses are designed to sleep in, but I’m dubious. I woke up wearing them after too many drunk college nights to buy that line.

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The poor bastard with the glass eye invariably found it in the aquarium the morning after.
Image credit: Greg Hume

Even so, SB comes to you in no small part because of my corrective vision apparatuses and the long line of experts past and present who created them, so you damn well better be thankful. I am. I guess ….

Apr 02

Bits and Pieces

Despite it being absolutely gorgeous outside, I spent the better part of the day filling out hospital forms related to my head injury a couple months ago. Since there’s nothing even remotely amusing about that (like I could remember it anyway), I didn’t have a lot of time to think about what the hell I was going to write today.

But I got to turn on the A/C for the first time this year.

Despite that, I have a couple stories possibly developing for your reading enjoyment. I guess it’s time for one of those potpourri posts. You know, a little of everything but not a lot of anything. That makes sense, right? Good. Let’s get started.

Return of the Moose

For a while I genuinely thought I was done writing about him, but a couple days ago none other than Moose Factory Boy™ showed up in my Facebook mail. His message? “I’m sure that you will be receiving a text/call very soon.” Um, OK. I assume he’s talking about Myrtle, but with him you can never be entirely sure.

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Could be something like this.

As of this writing I haven’t heard from Myrtle, or anyone else for that matter. Whether or not she gets back in contact is anyone’s guess. If she does, great. If not, oh well. Dating hasn’t been a real high priority lately.

What’s the 419?

Speaking of dating, I’ve had an ad in the Boise Craigslist personals for a couple weeks now. Now before you accuse me of contradicting my previous statement, bear in mind this ad mentions Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Bandido Nation, Svalbard, Aotearoa and Erik Estrada‘s teeth, among other things. Not exactly Cassanova-type material.

To their credit Craigslist recently reformulated their policies, implementing an anonymous reply function. This has cut down on the spammers and the scammers significantly. A few still get through, including our friend “Tracy Miller.”

“Tracy” contacted me and assured me “she” was real and wanted to meet. My reply was, “And I’m real. Did you find Erik Estrada’s teeth?”

TV Guide Estrada

Yeah, I’m milking that for all it’s worth.
Image credit: trainman74

The reply mentioned nothing about Estrada, but Tracy did tell me about how she was a fashion school student living with a friend and her grandmother. She talked about her friend getting married and how she wants to get married herself. She talked about her love for God and how much of a good Christian she was. There was a bunch of other drivel I didn’t bother reading.

Most importantly, she responded outside the Craigslist system, which allowed me to track the originating IP:

nigeriaIP

Peek-a-boo!

Of course, being the magnanimous guy I am, I replied:

Hey Tracy:

No kidding? I’m into religion too! For the past eight months I’ve served as a dark deacon with the First Boise Church of Satan, Reformed (Nunavut Synod). Just this past weekend we sacrificed some goats during a sunset ceremony up at Table Rock to culminate our annual “Cinco de Chivos” festival. We used to sacrifice children, but we were sued by the Most Antient Order of Tlahuizcalpantecuhtli for trademark infringement. And, well, long story short we don’t do that anymore.

I’m not photogenic either. Especially not after my recurring bouts with leprosy. But I don’t let it get me down. Even though I only have eight fingers now, I can still type at 60 words per minute!

By the way, since you’re a fashion student and all, I’m guessing you know quite a bit about fabric. Do you know how to get goat blood stains out of linen?

Writing that was a hell of a lot more fun than filling out hospital forms. I tell you what ….

Feb 22

Friday Crap Roundup II

This week’s FCR was written with a slight headache, a sore shoulder and a spotty memory. I feel a bit better than yesterday though. Thanks for caring.

Seconding That

I caused quite a kerfuffle on my Facebook page when I re-posted this Someecards.com meme:

gunecard

Note to Sarah Palin: a bell, not a gun.

Needless to say, given that I live in Idaho and all, this brought the NRA lobby out of the woodwork. I think a few clarifications are in order. As I’ve mentioned earlier in this space, I don’t support banning THINGS. Things include guns. If you want to build a collection of whatever to obsessive and sociopathic heights, go for it.

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Pictured: obsessive, sociopathic and perfectly legal.
Image credit: PINKÉ

However, I also think health is more important than having a gun. It’s basic psychology. Recall your studies of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in high school. You did study that, right? It’s pretty simple, really. Health is at the base of the pyramid as a physiological need, while gun ownership is further up. At best, it’s a safety need. Therefore, health is a more fundamental need than gun ownership. Call me crazy, but I think government policy should reflect that.

As fate would have it this conversation took place mere hours before my accident, so for me it hit home literally. The ER bill is going to suck ….

Damn Cats Update

Much to my surprise my previous post about the adventures of Djoser and Sneferu, such as they are, is one of the more popular on Superfluous Bloviations. Only my missives on being fat and adopted have more hits. Since I’m still fat and adopted, here’s a bit on the cats.

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Caught them hitting the ‘nip again.

Sneferu’s fascination with standing water in general, and dropping foreign objects in said standing water in particular, keeps growing. I woke up a few days ago to two $5 bills in the water dish. Most recently I found a piece of a plastic bag in there. Give it a few hours and there will be something else.

Djoser has been a crushing bore lately. The older of the two, it’s as if he’s settling down and becoming an upstanding member of society. Well, as cats go. He’s not waking me up every couple hours like Sneferu is, and he’s not nearly as claw-happy as he used to be. This could very well be due to the recently-installed ceiling fan. He’s constantly entranced.

In any event I’m hoping Sneferu, who’s about six months old now, follows suit one of these days.

So, uh, that’s what’s up with them. Hope you enjoyed it. Maybe next time I’ll borrow a chihuahua from someone for a better story.

Jim Risch: Conservative and Irrelevant

Well hell, I could have told you that. The real tragedy is we’ll probably re-elect this goofball next year.

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Sorry about that.

Track of the Week

Dedicated to myself:

RIP MCA